Have you read a hilariously atrocious book lately? Tell me about it in the comment section and I’ll write a post about it if it’s good!
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The Lonely Hearts Club by Elizabeth Eulberg
The book was written by the editor of the Twilight series, so you can just imagine how horrid her debut novel turned out to be…cliche, cookie cutter characters with absolutely no depth, wistful scenes of what the author THINKS high school is like, whiny protagonist, overused snarky cheerleader girl (who goes “good”), endless jocks that somehow pine after the protagonist even though she’s ‘not that pretty’…
The author needs to WAKE UP and realize that high school does not consist of just jocks and hot girls. It also does not mean that there are parties every night and everyone gets drunk. It also does not mean that every single jock is cute and nice. It does not mean that the cute, nice jocks will like you. It does not mean that even the EVIL cheerleader will like you. It does not mean that high school consists of stereotypical characters.
Oh, God. I actually saw an ad for this book. I can indeed imagine what it must be like if it was written by Stephenie Meyer‘s editor. Will read this nugget of fail as soon as I can.
Vampire Kisses by Ellen Schreiber. *shudder* I told myself I wouldn’t talk about this book ever again because I’ve ranted on about how bad this book is so often that my family runs away if they think I’m about to start again.
But I’ll talk about it anyway.
It’s about a gothic girl Raven who’s obsessed with vampires. Yes, her name is seriously Raven. The excuse for her having that name? Her parents were hippies. Her best friend is the only other outcast, farm girl Becky.
Her enemy is Trevor, the “popular” guy at school. And yet he still wants her. *rolls eyes* Sure.
Then one day, a teenage boy moves into an old mansion. His name? Alexander Sterling. And he’s a vampire!
I swear, the whole book reads like bad fanfiction. The worst part is not that they published Vampire Kisses–it’s that they published the sequels. So far there are maybe 8 books in the series.
The first book alone has plenty of fodder for a blog post.
-Kayleigh
PS: I’ve already read all your blog posts and I loved it all! Keep blogging.
Hey Kayleigh,
I’ve actually read that compendium of YA crap and agree with you wholeheartedly. The memories are mostly repressed, but I think I can revisit the pain for the sake of a post. Thanks for the suggestion!
The Trevor part is perhaps the most retarded. He ostensibly hates her. But wants her so badly he practically tries to rape her at one point. Gawd.
Well, if you thought Twilight was bad, try reading the rest of the series. The worst fiend of them all, and the one I actually contemplated burning, is Breaking Dawn. I think the worst part was that I saw fanfiction with the same plot-line before the book came out. I honestly don’t know how I managed to finish it, but I’m pretty sure my face was like this O_O most of the time whilst thinking about how much money I wasted buying the damn thing.
It has everything that defines a bad novel: vampires impregnating girls, suggested rape, Bella being more Mary-Sue than Sue, so much so that Sue filled an identity theft suit. A birth that would make an Alien bursting out of a body jealous. A super baby. A build up to what seems like an great conflict, only to have it deflate faster than a busted balloon.
Anyways, that book should come with a Warning: Your brain cells might commit suicide.
Unfortunately, I did read the rest of the series. The funny thing about Breaking Dawn is that it is so epically bad even Twihards think it sucks. Thanks for the suggestion, though! This trippy tome definitely deserves a post.
How about Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat. Pray. Love.”?
I haven’t actually read it, but I’ve seen Gilbert give a talk at TED.com that was SO full of new-age hippie bullshit that I seriously doubt I’d even make it past the fifth page if I tried.
The plotline is something along the lines of “protagonist’s boyfriend breaks up with her, protagonist is terribly upset, protagonist decides to leave the country and go to italy, gorging herself on the glorious italian food, then goes to india because that place is so incredibly spiritual with all those yogis and elephants and holy cows and stuff. Then, after she found god and herself and would now be incredibly happy again if she’d just find a new boyfriend who is exactly like the last one but more awesome, she goes to, oh I don’t know, I guess rome or paris or so in order to find said next super-boyfriend.
And then she’s happy. Forever.
I could just imagine a sequel for that one, basically a male version of the same story. It could be called “Eat. Drink. Fuck.”, the first part being a US-roadtrip, stopping at each and every fast-food-temple to get supersize-meals, the second part being a week at the German Oktoberfest in Munich, and the third part being a trip through eastern Europe where the prostitutes are pretty and cheap and will do it without protection for a little extra-fee.
They could even make a movie out of that one… oh no wait, they did that already.
My friend, you are a genius. Without knowing it, you have described the plot of an actual book. It’s called “Drink, Play, Fuck” (http://www.amazon.com/Drink-Play-Anything-Ireland-Thailand/dp/0802170528) and was written from the point of view of the guy Elisabeth dumped. I hear it is hilarious. By the way, I agree with you regarding Gilbert’s TED talk. I can’t believe they let her speak. A friend of mine told me that George W. Bush couldn’t even get an INVITATION to TED, back when TED didn’t stuff all sorts of irrelevant celebrities into their otherwise great program. At least ol’ GWB would have brought the lols, as opposed to the jittery, uneasy feeling I get whenever I see this woman on TV.
That is hilarious
I think I need to buy that book. Elizabeth Gilberts TED talk pissed me off big time, and I think I spent about two days in the comment section of that talk trying to talk sense into people. Without much success of course, but it was a delight to find that I wasn’t completely alone. I think there were about six others arguing alongside me for the side of common sense, against what felt like bloody millions of brainless new-age hippies. Horrible. (of course this was all back in the glorious days before they introduced that bloody “TED-cred” comment rating system that turned a place for great discussions into a race for the most witty and conformist comments.)
Needless to say, we got quickly drowned out by thousands of this-is-so-grea-she’s-so-awesome-comments.
What really made me see red about that talk was her pretentious, in-your-face fake-humility. “Rather than thinking of myself as being a genius, I like to thing that I have a genius.”
Sounds so nice, until you realize that she just found a way of referring to her own fucking work as the work of a genius and STILL make it sound humble.
It is the same kind of fake-humility that the religious folks like to display so much:
“We have the TRUTH. We are the way, and the light, and we are what’s good in the world, and we are the source of all morality, and we are better than everybody else because we are so HUMBLE.” Makes me wanna throw up.
Yup. And to think – you could have written it!:)
Fucking hippies. I remember her genius comment. Good thing I hadn’t had lunch yet.
What about one on the series House of Night by PC and Kristin Cast? It’s a series following a girl who’s been chosen for vampyre transformation school and is “incredibly gifted” and shit. Of course she was dating the football player at her old school and is now in a dilemna because she likes the hottest guy at the vampyre school.
Man. I have not read that, but it is going on the list.
What about one on the series House of Night by PC and Kristin Cast? It’s a series following a girl who’s been chosen for vampyre transformation school and is “incredibly gifted” and shit because of her Cherokee roots or something. Of course she was dating the football player at her old school and is now in a dilemna because she likes the hottest guy at the vampyre school. In one of the books she even has sex with a vampyre teacher. Way to solve problems, Zoey. Did I mention the stereotypical bad-girl, Aphrodite, who just happens to be rich and blonde and skanky?
It’s so terribly obvious that the authors are trying to break away from the other vampire novels out there, which has produced the most dysfunctional novel I’ve ever read. If you’re trying to pick one out of the many (8 now?!) novels, perhaps one of the last ones: They get more nauseating the further into the series you read.
Oh, I think you sent two comments (the first possibly by mistake). Anyway. It’s going on the list. What a load of idiocy.
Do you read good books too? Because if you read nothing but bad books you will eventually think they are good. How do you balance between reading Mccarthy and reading Sparks?
Yeah, mostly good stuff, believe it or not. I am writing a post about the discrepancy soon.
This may just be me that was mildly horrified by this book, but have you heard of The Forest of Hands and Teeth? My sister foisted it off on me, and to be honest I mostly read it because I kind of liked the title.
It’s actually a zombie book, which was not what I was expecting at all. But the relationships between the main character (who is impossible to like) and the young men in the book are pretty convoluted and emotionally messed up.
I really don’t know how to explain the book or what made me want to put it through a shredder after reading it.
It’s pretty much The Village, told from the POV of an angsty love-struck teenage girl who you kind of want to just die already.
With zombies. :I
I read two pages of this book and became dizzy. Had no clue it was about zombies. I hope they win.
How exactly is it like The Village?
The whole thing with a town run somewhat colonial-style, where no one’s allowed to go into the forest, no one knows how the rest of the world’s getting on, and those in charge keep secrets from the rest of the villagers just really reminded me of it.
The zombies kind of win. They kill everyone except the one person you want to die, the girl. D:
Anything by Scott Westerfeld (the guy who wrote Uglies). His writing gives me heartburn.
I was vacationing in Wales last year and found this book at the house I was staying in.
It was so bad I had to finish it, just to see how the hell it was gonna end. I’m still haunted by how crap it was.
Apparently, the author actually won some prizes for writing!
Dark Spectre by Michael Dibdin
Dark Spectre
I haven’t read the book (The Secret of Ka) but this exchange between the author/editor/reviewer on Amazon is delicious:
http://www.amazon.com/review/RJ1258PRUMDRD/
Ahahahaha. Thanks!
HEAVEN’S WAVE is so bad it has reached “cult” status with my friends. Here’s an Amazon’s reviewer’s opinion:
“There is adolescent fascination with female nakedness, lots of gratuitous bloodshed, and truly appalling treatment of Italians in this book. Although the plot takes place in several different countries, and features Norsemen, Franks, Mayans and others, for some reason the Italians are singled out as needing to sound…Italian? Every time an Italian bishop or his niece open their mouths, ‘a’s are added to random words, and ‘the effecta is nothinga shorta of idiotic.’”
My friends have forbid me from reading this book fearing I’ll “flip some Italian shit” on his ass. I reminded them that being Italian means I’ll have someone else do it for me. Ciao.