Interview With An Ebook Bestseller Wunderkind

I was recently bestowed the honor of interviewing one of the young geniuses of Amazon publishing (you know the category: Amazon bestsellers>fiction>free>totally-unknown-author-without-high-school-diploma). I first became acquainted with the young man’s literary ambition and savantesque way with with words when I accidentally downloaded “A Letter To Justin Bieber’s Hair”. It’s as good as it sounds. In a previous blog post I predicted this book would be 2011′s hipster favorite. It can still happen. WHAT’S THE HOLD UP, PUBLISHERS WEEKLY? The world needs to know about this book.

As I’ve said before:

It’s poetry. About celebrities. With pictures, likely from Perezhilton.com. My favorite is a poem about Marilyn Manson, ending with these lovely words:

“A man who performs

For youngest lost souls

Who for him would turn storms

even though his soul is made of coals”

Whoever said poetry was dead? And guess what else is awesome? THIS BOOK IS STILL FREE!

 

As has happened before on this blog, the author saw the blog post and let the internet know. What’s sweet about German, though, is that he had the cojones to comment directly on the blog post rather than tweeting or Facebooking or whatevs (looking at you, author of certain book on slutty teens). Kid was totally cool, too. Included smiley faces and everything. So, here it is, dear reader. An in-depth interview with one of poetry’s rising stars.

 

LitPolice: What inspires you?

Alcala: Everything inspires me. Certain poetry, and every single writer I’ve read when I was tiny inspired me to write just like them.

 

LitPolice: Ballpark quesstimate – how much money have you made so far?

Alcala: I did everything free until last autumn so… less than a thousand, but enough to buy a laptop and some books when the business quarter ends… so, pocket money. [...] I buy something real pretty at the end of the business quarter. I’ll leave it at that.

[Hey, unemployed Americans – this kid is making more money than you.]

LitPolice: What advice do you have for others wishing to excel on the Kindle free bestseller list?

Alcala: Be patient and try giving your books titles that grab attention for the sake of getting more readers. It works as long as you have something good to present.

I asked him if he would write a poem about Literature Police, and he was all wishy-washy. Hope he does it. Kid gets to my sweet spot. Look at what he wrote at the end: “Email me with more q’s if you’d like <3”.

 

According to Alcala, “A Letter To Justin Bieber’s Hair” totally doesn’t showcase the breadth of his writing skills. SO CHECK OUT HIS STUFF:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/search/ref=sr_tc_2_0?rh=i%3Astripbooks%2Ck%3AGerman+Alcala&keywords=German+Alcala&ie=UTF8&qid=1313377157&sr=8-2-ent&field-contributor_id=B0058U5G42

 

Stop Killing Literature, America

Soon enough, YOUR collection will be next in the slaughter and you’ll be sorry you didn’t do shit for everyone else while you could. Or however that saying about avoiding Holocausts goes.

What To Do After You’ve Stolen A Twilight Book From A Tween/Depressed Soccer Mom

Bonus points if you manage to place the book in Stephenie Meyer’s local Mormonpalooza temple. Or any American middle school bathroom.

Does Your Kindle Cause You To Read Awful Books?

Ever since I got a Kindle, I’ve been reading some really shitty literature. Still in my wide-eyed Kindle honeymoon stage, I indiscriminately downloaded a bunch of free Amazon e-books. You know, for shits and kicks. MISTAKE.

I never thought I’d say this, but I have a real appreciation for traditional editors. I’ve seen the horrors that occur when people self-edit and self-publish. And don’t even talk to me about Amanda Hocking. For every Amanda Hocking, there are a gazillion semi-literate  fifty-year-olds who missed the hint after their hundredth romance novel about an overweight girl marrying Brad Pitt somehow never made its way into Binky Urban’s office (which is totally unfair, of course, seeing as all the other women in her livejournal.com group totes told her she was a literary genius). From me to you, three particularly hilarious-in-an-awful-way examples of free Kindle bestsellers.

Millennials by Thom and Jess Rainer

Oh, this book. Seems innocuous, right? It’s supposedly a study of Millennials. But prepare to be Shanghai’d! Halfway through this book, up until then a fairly plain examination of a generation, BOOM, you’re being proselytized to. I’m not kidding. The authors are suddenly devoting pages upon pages to biblical quotes and interpretation, loosely tied to the subject at hand (a generation their statistics show is really, really unconcerned with religion). WTF were those writers smoking? Maybe they tried to legitimately publish this at some point. If so, I hope the editor told them to go fuck themselves and never submit anything ever again. The book is now published by B&H Publishing Group, a Christian company producing “bibles, church supplies, Christian books”. I have to hand it to the Rainers, though. That’s some innovative missionary work. Way to go getting atheists to read your message. You’re now not only annoying them – you’re wasting hours of their lives and sanity. Talk to God about giving you a Christmas bonus.

The book is no longer free, but I encourage you to pay the 12 bucks if you hate yourself.

You know when something is so bad it’s good? The following book is the best example in the history of the universe. Sure to be a hipster favorite.

A Letter To Justin Bieber’s Hair, by German Alcala:

It’s poetry. About celebrities. With pictures, likely from Perezhilton.com. My favorite is a poem about Marilyn Manson, ending with these lovely words:

“A man who performs

For youngest lost souls

Who for him would turn storms

even though his soul is made of coals”

Whoever said poetry was dead? And guess what else is awesome? THIS BOOK IS STILL FREE!

Last, but not least, I’d like to give an anti-shout out to Kindle Singles, mainly because it allows Jodi Picoult to publish short stories.

Amazon.com: Leaving Home: Short Pieces (Kindle Single) eBook: Jodi Picoult: Kindle Store

They Say People Kind Of Look Forward To Dying Once The World Starts To Change Too Much From When They Were Young

I’m still in my fucking twenties and I feel that way. Please die first, American publishing.

 

Fucking Awesome Literary Accessories

“Going shopping” is for illiterate doucheheads. Which is why the only good verbs to use in acquiring these items are “getting”, “obtaining”, and “stealing”. Diction is important. Did you notice the Oxford comma in this paragraph? If so, pat yourself on the back. Anyway, these things are AWESOME. Don’t even tell me you do not want…

A WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE UMBRELLA:  (Amazon)

A CHARLES DICKENS ACTION FIGURE  (Amazon)

A BOOK BAG THAT SAYS “I READ BANNED BOOKS” (Cafepress)

A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS “READING IS SEXY”:  (I OWN THIS T-SHIRT!)  (BuyOlympia)

“Bristol Palin Date Raped?” Or, “A Very Palin Memoir”

My role model, Bristol Palin.

As longtime readers of this blog would know, the news that Bristol Palin was writing a memoir inspired me to keep posting again. Thank you, Bristol. To me, you are officially a more effective inspirational speaker than Gandhi. Props on the memoir! Which confused me. A lot.

The thrilling opening promises that the hither-to unknown parts of her story will “affect [her] life in ways a teenager could not comprehend.” CONSIDER ME HOOKED.

Life in Alaska’s crystal meth capital can hardly be said to be easy, but I was way disappointed to read about how Bristol lied to mama Palin and went to a party with Levi Jeans and sloshed down a shitload of wine coolers which drove her into a “dark abyss of drunkenness” after which someone STOLE HER VIRGINITY. Dun dun dun. She woke up in a tent in the Alaskan wilderness and her friend was like, “you totally porked Levi last night”, and Bristol’s face turned into a Munch scream grimace as she pondered her Christian upbringing and ardent childhood dream of being a virgin forever . Levi popped into the tent. “Missing a hymen? LOL!”

But she realized not all was lost: “I was going to marry Levi. I had to now.”

FLASHBACK: Bristol and Levi, sitting in a classroom. Levi passes her a note: “Will u be my gurl?”Sparks fly. Motherfucking butterflies.

Dozens of pages of two-syllable words go by. Then, bam, p. 97, Bristol tells Levi she’s preggers! Levi: “Better be a fucking boy.” And it is. God exists.

ASIDE: Bristol’s arch nemesis, Meghan McCain, is a total skank. ““Every time we saw Meghan, she seemed to constantly be checking us out, comparing my family to hers, and complaining. Oh, the complaining.” The reader is assured of Bristol’s insightful disdain for politician’s daughters’ nonsense.

Bristol gives birth and is like, “Levi, love, do you want to cut the umbilical cord?”

“Gross,” says Levi, chomping on a piece of self-slaughtered beef jerky. The two break up. The two get back together. Except he isn’t allowed to call her a “crazy bitch” anymore. The crazy bitch is reasonable, the reader nods approvingly.

SHOCK EFFECT: Levi’s magic gold sperm gets ANOTHER Wasilla girl pregnant! Dun dun dun (x2).

Bristol ponders the future. It’s between politics and writing children’s books (the dilemma I think most aspiring politicians face post-high school). Oh, and she’s a born-again virgin. No matter how sweet dreaming about Levi’s naked body drenched over a snow mobile is. Something like that. I wasn’t paying very close attention. All I know is: yay pro-choice!