Does Your Kindle Cause You To Read Awful Books?

Ever since I got a Kindle, I’ve been reading some really shitty literature. Still in my wide-eyed Kindle honeymoon stage, I indiscriminately downloaded a bunch of free Amazon e-books. You know, for shits and kicks. MISTAKE.

I never thought I’d say this, but I have a real appreciation for traditional editors. I’ve seen the horrors that occur when people self-edit and self-publish. And don’t even talk to me about Amanda Hocking. For every Amanda Hocking, there are a gazillion semi-literate  fifty-year-olds who missed the hint after their hundredth romance novel about an overweight girl marrying Brad Pitt somehow never made its way into Binky Urban’s office (which is totally unfair, of course, seeing as all the other women in her livejournal.com group totes told her she was a literary genius). From me to you, three particularly hilarious-in-an-awful-way examples of free Kindle bestsellers.

Millennials by Thom and Jess Rainer

Oh, this book. Seems innocuous, right? It’s supposedly a study of Millennials. But prepare to be Shanghai’d! Halfway through this book, up until then a fairly plain examination of a generation, BOOM, you’re being proselytized to. I’m not kidding. The authors are suddenly devoting pages upon pages to biblical quotes and interpretation, loosely tied to the subject at hand (a generation their statistics show is really, really unconcerned with religion). WTF were those writers smoking? Maybe they tried to legitimately publish this at some point. If so, I hope the editor told them to go fuck themselves and never submit anything ever again. The book is now published by B&H Publishing Group, a Christian company producing “bibles, church supplies, Christian books”. I have to hand it to the Rainers, though. That’s some innovative missionary work. Way to go getting atheists to read your message. You’re now not only annoying them – you’re wasting hours of their lives and sanity. Talk to God about giving you a Christmas bonus.

The book is no longer free, but I encourage you to pay the 12 bucks if you hate yourself.

You know when something is so bad it’s good? The following book is the best example in the history of the universe. Sure to be a hipster favorite.

A Letter To Justin Bieber’s Hair, by German Alcala:

It’s poetry. About celebrities. With pictures, likely from Perezhilton.com. My favorite is a poem about Marilyn Manson, ending with these lovely words:

“A man who performs

For youngest lost souls

Who for him would turn storms

even though his soul is made of coals”

Whoever said poetry was dead? And guess what else is awesome? THIS BOOK IS STILL FREE!

Last, but not least, I’d like to give an anti-shout out to Kindle Singles, mainly because it allows Jodi Picoult to publish short stories.

Amazon.com: Leaving Home: Short Pieces (Kindle Single) eBook: Jodi Picoult: Kindle Store