My role model, Bristol Palin.
As longtime readers of this blog would know, the news that Bristol Palin was writing a memoir inspired me to keep posting again. Thank you, Bristol. To me, you are officially a more effective inspirational speaker than Gandhi. Props on the memoir! Which confused me. A lot.
The thrilling opening promises that the hither-to unknown parts of her story will “affect [her] life in ways a teenager could not comprehend.” CONSIDER ME HOOKED.
Life in Alaska’s crystal meth capital can hardly be said to be easy, but I was way disappointed to read about how Bristol lied to mama Palin and went to a party with Levi Jeans and sloshed down a shitload of wine coolers which drove her into a “dark abyss of drunkenness” after which someone STOLE HER VIRGINITY. Dun dun dun. She woke up in a tent in the Alaskan wilderness and her friend was like, “you totally porked Levi last night”, and Bristol’s face turned into a Munch scream grimace as she pondered her Christian upbringing and ardent childhood dream of being a virgin forever . Levi popped into the tent. “Missing a hymen? LOL!”
But she realized not all was lost: “I was going to marry Levi. I had to now.”
FLASHBACK: Bristol and Levi, sitting in a classroom. Levi passes her a note: “Will u be my gurl?”Sparks fly. Motherfucking butterflies.
Dozens of pages of two-syllable words go by. Then, bam, p. 97, Bristol tells Levi she’s preggers! Levi: “Better be a fucking boy.” And it is. God exists.
ASIDE: Bristol’s arch nemesis, Meghan McCain, is a total skank. ““Every time we saw Meghan, she seemed to constantly be checking us out, comparing my family to hers, and complaining. Oh, the complaining.” The reader is assured of Bristol’s insightful disdain for politician’s daughters’ nonsense.
Bristol gives birth and is like, “Levi, love, do you want to cut the umbilical cord?”
“Gross,” says Levi, chomping on a piece of self-slaughtered beef jerky. The two break up. The two get back together. Except he isn’t allowed to call her a “crazy bitch” anymore. The crazy bitch is reasonable, the reader nods approvingly.
SHOCK EFFECT: Levi’s magic gold sperm gets ANOTHER Wasilla girl pregnant! Dun dun dun (x2).
Bristol ponders the future. It’s between politics and writing children’s books (the dilemma I think most aspiring politicians face post-high school). Oh, and she’s a born-again virgin. No matter how sweet dreaming about Levi’s naked body drenched over a snow mobile is. Something like that. I wasn’t paying very close attention. All I know is: yay pro-choice!
I think I like your version better.