Ever read Gwyneth Paltrow’s “lifestyle newsletter”, GOOP? Subscribe now and you’ll have a great once-a-week shudder laugh. If you’re wondering what a shudder laugh is, it’s the kind of laugh that starts out funny and ends in a kind of misery about the state of the world. Like the laugh you laugh when Gwyneth says her success is derived directly from hard work. And you’re like, “hahahah!” because if you’re anyone but Gwyneth Paltrow, you know Gwyneth Paltrow’s success has a thing or two to do with, you know, nepotism and being able to call Steven Spielberg “uncle S” and shit like that. Bitch lives in a bubble. And now she’s written a cookbook. Rejoice!
If you like organic food and white privilege, this book is for you. Or if you’re a non-ironic subscriber to GOOP. Kidding! There aren’t any non-ironic subscribers to GOOP.
From me to you, the most hilarious lines from the book:
“Could I use some butter and cheese and eggs in my cooking without going down some kind of hippie shame spiral? Yes. Of course I could.”
“One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise—one of my favorites.”
“I first had a version of this at a Japanese monastery during a silent retreat—don’t ask, it’s a long story.”
“We’ve got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden— a luxury, I know, but it’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made.”
“When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat.”
I think it’s safe to say we’ve found the Martha Stewart of delusion. Bon appétit!
Welcome back LP. We’ve (I think I can speak for all humanity here) missed your mischief.
Thanks, humanity!