Stalker-Swift is concerned about your well-being. If you're captain of the football team, Jesus or a Jonas Brother
According to Contact Music, Taylor Swift wrote a 350-page novel before she became famous. Obviously she didn’t have an editor, and it appears no one has ever seen the thing. But if that book is anything like her lyrics, I think the plot will go something like this:
Once upon a time, in a generic American small town, there lived a blonde, Christian virgin who wished puppies could talk and thought babies came with the stork. Her name was… Taylor Swaft.
When Taylor Swaft starts a high school located in her frontal lobe, she discovers that it is inhabited exclusively by stereotypes. Stereotypical jocks, cheerleaders and marching band geeks roam the hallways. What gives? Well. All the teenagers with actual personalities are busy getting raped in Joyce Carol Oates novels. It’s a tough fictional world out there. That and the fact that the author never actually went to high school. Taylor Swift was home-schooled from age fifteen through a Christian “academy” that pushes abstinence and creationism. I think you’re beginning to see just how real and relatable the portrayal of high school life will be.
Anyway. Everyone at Swaft’s school are way mean to her. Because they’re jealous. Or dumb. You know. And of course this is extra hard on Swaft seeing as no one else in the history of the American K-12 system has ever been teased.
Since everyone has to be shoved into a stereotype, Taylor Swaft is assigned the part of «Geeky-But-Really-Nice-Girl». You can tell immediately. Because she’s the one wearing glasses. Duh.
For a while no one knows what the fuck is going on. Hot boys who look like haloed angels with rainbows and stars and various other planetary objects shooting from their pupils are riding around in trucks or on white horses and Swaft wants them to call her and cries on her banjo when they don’t. Someone – call the whambulance.
Swaft falls in love with the captain of the football team. Because the captain of the football team is always, always, always, the heartthrob alpha male of any given high school. And it’s not like Swaft could go for, eh, a soccer player? A debate club member? Someone with any other descriptive trait aside from “hot”? Anyway. It’s a stereotypical match made in heaven.
But you didn’t think it was going to be that easy, did you? Oh, no. An evil cheerleader or otherwise Bitchy Whore With No Real Emotions is being all annoying and standing in the way of true high school lurve. Unlike Swaft, the bitchy cheerleader isn’t a virgin, so we immediately understand that the only other possible explanation must apply: she’s a trashy slut who blows any phallic object that’s immobile or moving slowly. Skankity Ann.
At this point in the novel, times are tough for the queen of the purity ball. Man. Swaft is heartbroken. Solution: write whiny songs in which the time is always 2 AM on a Tuesday and read Romeo and Juliet and The Scarlet Letter and wildly misinterpret both works.
But don’t worry. Of course, in the end, the captain of the football team realizes Swaft is The One seeing as she is so darn adorable and innocent and nice (the fact that she shows about as much real personality as a dry erase board is irrelevant). She’s not as pretty as the bitchy cheerleader he was dating about two seconds before, but that girl was obviously an evil skank who strangles babies in her spare time, so who cares how she might feel about her boyfriend suddenly dumping her ?
Captain Awesome and Swaft suck face in the rain. A lot. And mysteriously never catch, you know, pneumonia or anything. Swaft feels like a princess. “Pretty lights” and fireworks and stars shine as if all of Times Square is being shoved directly into your eye sockets.
And then they get matching purity rings before their fairy tale wedding (backdrop: dreamy beach sunset), and after a few months of Christ-sanctioned sex in the missionary position they have 2.5 children and live happily ever after on a Christmas tree plantation in Disneyland.
THE END
[...] post about Taylor Swift’s novel made me laugh until salad dressing came out my nose. [...]
Haha. I hope your nostrils are OK.
Seriously, this was the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Bravo – and if I were eating salad, with dressing, it would come from my nose also.
First time on the site and I have to say, I will be coming back for more.
I hope, in the future, many more things will come out from your nostrils as you read this blog. Happy reading:)!
This post was funny, but I think it’s a bit judgmental. It’s one thing to trash something you’ve read and hated, but it’s another to judge a person’s book by the songs she writes, etc. and not the actual book. Who knows? She might actually be talented at writing books. Songs, however, could be controlled by the record company people. Whatever happened to “Don’t judge a book by its cover” or in this case, don’t judge a book by its author?
“Don’t judge a book by its author?”
Right.
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Nothing against Taylor Swift, but dammit that was fucking LEGENDARY
Ha. Thank you.
Love it! I’ve been feeling like I’m the only one in America who finds Taylor Swift annoying, but then I found your blog and this post. Thank you! For some reason America thinks the sun shines out of Taylor Swifts ass and I can’t stand it! A word to Taylor: “Grow up! You’re not in high school anymore! Write something with substance and try to remember that you are NOT in fact writing for a Disney movie.” Keep up the good work literaturepolice!
Very enjoyable — but I disagree with one of your responses. Let’s not always judge a book by its author. M.H. Abrams maintains that one approach to litcrit considers the book as itself, divorced from the author. (Of course, it could still be a lousy book….)
I think this was really really judgemental number one. i think i also feel a tint of jealousy in your little ‘story’. You have no clue what Taylor Swift is all about. She’s in it for the music and I really think you should stop judging her. In my opinion, I think she is really talented and gorgeous and I love her. She’s the one who inspires me to pick up a guitar and play everyday. It was wrong of you to post this and I hope you learn how to grow up because this was just immature. Kbye.
Loved it. Is the above comment meant as a joke? I can’t quite tell if it’s serious or not.
In my opinion, I think I also feel Taylor Swift is annoying number one.
Kbye!
I find your points to be very agreeable. I like how you brought attention to the magical insensitivity that comes with a lot of love stories. Still, I’m not feeling the hate towards Taylor Swift. I think it’s great that she wrote a novel.
Dear literaturepolice,
You would be well-advised to figure out what you are attacking here. Is it Taylor’s teeny comments on life, or this type of music as a whole? Take a lesson from Taylor – she writes for an audience. Just as you write for hipster douche bags and, therefore use a lot of sickening irony and pious bull crap, she composes material appropriate for teen girls, therefore, reflects on issues that most resonate with them.
It seems you have “wildly misinterpreted” why she is writing music. Of course you don’t find it interesting. She does not write songs for you. You are not in high school (and you are an ass, but that’s something completely different). To every type of people goes a genre. Bloody hell. Not everything out there needs to apply to you.
So you start a revolution, and Taylor Swift’s career is subsequently torched. What are these kids left with? Do we go back to Miley? Justin Bieber? Rebecca Black? Instead, seeing that we have a role model for kids who’s actually writing her own music and NOT stripping or rolling with Ludacris, we should just shut up and count our blessings.
Aside: Taylor attended Hendersonville Public and was only home schooled her Junior and Senior year. Her career was taking off, and she still graduated. Your frontal lobe was just as busy with the assumptions.
Let’s leave Taylor alone and pick on someone who deserves it. Someone like me – some punk under a pseudonym trying to pick a fight on the internet.
I’m waiting.
Okay, that first of all is NOTHING like any of the songs she writes. and second, i happen to have information about the book:
She wrote it when she was 12
It is titled “A Girl Named Girl”
It is not 350 pages, it is 87
Please stop trashing someone with actual talent and a real voice and go pick on someone with a computer for a voice and writers they’ve hired to write songs for them, like rihanna or Ke$ha. thank you very much!
This is hilarious. Pay no mind to the people whining about how it was wrong of you to post this. I find her victimized naivity as annoying as I find Charlie Sheen’s god complex. I’m just glad to learn the book only had 87 pages.
Ok, I didn’t find that funny. At all. I get it that you don’t like Taylor Swift, and that is fine by me. But how long did it take you to write this? If you really hate her that much, than you can just leave her alone. Neither of us know nothing about Taylor’s book, but I’m going to guess that you never wrote an 87 page novel on your own when you were twelve, so I don’t believe you have anything to talk about.
And I don’t think your right to write this in the way you have. Taylor is really talented, and she honestly seems like a nice person. She helps a lot of girls with their lives. You wrote this as a joke, so why title it, ‘A guide to Taylor Swift’s novel’ when all your doing is laghing at her. You can have a laugh about her if you wish, if you find that funny, but your not actually showing us any facts about the novel. It should be titled ‘What I think Taylor’s novel may be’, because thats all you’ve writen about her.
Oh, and you write like your jeolous. Just had to say that.
*you’re*.
* written
No matter what u say about her, i dont give a damn care..
I love her 4ever always.
Where’s the citation?
loved it.love taylor but this was so friking high-larious i want it published.NOW.